


The Art of Searching for Yourself

by etux



Series: Paris AU [3]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Asexual Character, Asexual Fili, Fíli-centric, Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-28
Updated: 2015-10-28
Packaged: 2018-04-28 14:54:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5094857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etux/pseuds/etux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>”Do you ever feel like you can't breath right? Like you get oxygen, but not enough?”</i>
</p><p> </p><p>In which Fili goes to a trip around Europe in order to find himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of my Paris AU, but can be read as stand-alone.

”This isn't _working_!”

Kili turned to his brother, and was surprised to see Fili throw his black waiter's apron on the floor.

” _This_ isn't working”, Fili repeated when he noticed Kili's confused look. Like putting emphasis on different word made things somehow clearer. Something in Fili's expression made Kili feel anxious. Even though the brothers were very much alike, it was Kili who had inherited the famous temper of the Durin family, not Fili. The older brother was usually more patient and likely to accept hardships as a part of life.

”What's not working?” Kili tried to get some kind of sensible answer out of his brother, but everything he got was an angry huff and a collection of random hand motions.

” _This_!” Fili cried, and looked annoyed when Kili wasn't magically able to read his thoughts. ”This _life_ , Kee! Erebor, waiting, _Paris_...”

Kili had a terrible inkling, and he had to swallow before opening his mouth to speak.

”Fee?” he asked, uncertain. ”You're not leaving, are you?”

The anger instantly drained from Fili, and the blond rushed to wrap his arms around his little brother. ”I don't know, Kee, I don't know. Maybe? I think I might have to.”

Kili buried his face in Fili's shoulder, and breathed in the smell of his shampoo. ”Why, Fee? _Why_?” he asked desperately, not caring about how he sounded like a whining child. This was _his brother_ , and _his brother_ couldn't just leave him like it was nothing.

”Do you ever feel like you can't breath right? Like you get oxygen, but not enough?” Fili asked, pressing Kili closer to himself. ”I do feel like that. You have Tauriel, uncle has Bilbo... Even mother is dating again! I don't have anyone, and I've never gone further than England-”

”You have us all!” Kili tried to argue, but he knew he had lost.

”Maybe I just want to see volcanoes”, Fili said with a smile in his voice. Kili sniffed.

”As long as you'll come back.”

Kili could feel the laughter bubbling inside his brother's chest.

”Always”, Fili promised, petting Kili's hair. ”Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. You probably noticed that this "chapter" was really short. It's because in the original language I wrote this fic - Finnish - this fic consisted of drabbles. The word count, however, got messed up when translating. So now this fic consists of... really short chapters? Yeah.
> 
> There will be seven "chapters" in total, and I think I will post them pretty quickly. There's not that much to translate, after all. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this journey with Fili and me!
> 
> If you want to talk about this AU, The Hobbit in general, or pretty much anything, come say hello to me on [tumblr](http://mr-and-mr-baggins.tumblr.com).


	2. Chapter 2

Fili stood in front of the mirror, looking at the dark marks on his neck thoughtfully.

He remembered when Kili had come home with same kind of marks for the first time, happily on cloud nine. Kili had talked about the starlight girl and her creamy skin, and Fili had rolled his eyes, amused, knowing very well what Tauriel would've said about such descriptions.

Fili also remembered how Dis had blushed right to her ear tips when she had noticed Arnvin's dark marks on her own neck. And more often than once Bilbo ant Thorin too had covered their own marks with a high collar or a scarf.

Despite their embarrassment the older members of Fili's family had carried their marks with a certain pride. (especially Frerin, but his adventures with women were a whole another story anyways.) Clearly this kind of marks and the action that resulted them had something fun and covetable in them. _Desirable_.

Or at least for most of the people, Fili thought wit a smile before wrapping a scarf around his neck. He had tried and decided it wasn't for him – and that's it.

Only a week on the road, and he already knew himself better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The journey continues with ace!Fili, just because I can.


	3. Chapter 3

Three weeks of aimless wandering around Europe, and Fili learned many things he wouldn't have even wondered about at home.

What kind of people were most likely to pick up a hitchhiker. How you got free drinks for a night. What happened if you ate a yogurt that had been in a forty-degree heat for three hours. How many decaf coffees you had to drink before you realized to ask for a regular. Was it worthwhile to ask for the number of a stranger right away. Did regular malls sell water-balloons. In front of what landmark you got paid for singing. In front of what landmark you got fined for singing. How many people were guarding a regular train station on a Thursday night. In what kind of parks you could sleep at. Was it sensible to call your mother from Budapest at four in the morning.

_How to breathe again._


	4. Chapter 4

It was a month after the start of his journey when Fili realized he had caught something he hadn't suffered from since his first summer camp: homesickness.

And so Fili picked up his backpack and bid his farewells to Mount Vesuvius before heading towards home. But when he arrived to Paris, the unpleasant feeling didn't ease. In fact, it only grew stronger.

The Seine glinted in green and the smell of urine was strong on its banks, as always. At every corner there was someone asking money, as always. Tourists were fooled into buying hats and scarves and bags and coasters just because they had a picture of the Eiffel Tower. Water bottles were cheaper when bought from the street vendors than from the markets. Familiar parks, streets and cafes were all in their places. As always.

Fili had assumed that familiar automatically meant safe too, but after four weeks of freedom, he noticed it meant unnerving. He didn't know when someone he knew was about to walk around the corner, when someone of his family would walk around the corner and start asking things.  
Fili hadn't left without a warning, but apparently he was going to return that way.

When he reached a familiar door, Fili felt panic starting to bubble inside him. Was he really ready to return home? Had he truly found what he had been looking for? Was he sure he wouldn't want to run away again in a week?

And because answer to all those questions was I don't know, Fili didn't knock on the door and step into the hallway and hug his mother. He turned his back and left Paris behind.


	5. Chapter 5

Fili was sitting on train from London to Brighton, and he had absolutely no idea why. London had been the logical destination after running away from Paris again, but Brighton?

”Brighton is known for its beaches, you know. Not a bad destination at all”, friendly and somewhat amused voice said, and Fili turned to look at the young woman with dark curls sitting next to him.

”I'm sorry”, the woman said, and the happy wrinkles around her eyes reminded Fili of Bilbo. ”You were talking to yourself, and I couldn't help but defend my home city. My name is Primula, and I'm a mother returning from a business trip to her husband and a two-year-old son. I also speak too much and too quickly. Even to strangers. On trains.”

The woman offered hand to Fili, who grabbed it with a smile. ”My name is Fili, and I'm a big brother and an architecture student on a journey to find himself.”

Primula smiled again. ”Who knows, maybe you find yourself from Brighton.”

Fili couldn't help but laugh. Meetings like this were what made traveling so interesting.

”Yeah, who knows.”


	6. Chapter 6

Maybe it was the steaming hot cup of Earl Grey in his hands or young Frodo playing at his feet that finally made Fili to connect the peaces together, but as he was sitting at Primula's and her husband's home at five'o'clock in the afternoon, he realized where he was.

”You're Bilbo's cousin!” Fili cried, and interrupted Drogo's speech of Brighton's qualities. (It appeared that Primula's husband was as passionate about their home city as his wife.) Drogo blinked for couple of times, and then bursted into a laughter.

”Second cousin, actually”, the man looked so much like Bilbo when he laughed, that Fili couldn't understand why he hadn't realized the connection earlier. ”Primula is his cousin, though.”

Primula appeared from the kitchen with a plate full of biscuits, and a satisfied smile on her face. ”Ah, you finally figured it out”, she laughed as she put the biscuits on the table, and picked Frodo from the floor. ”I thought you would associate us with Bilbo sooner. The name Baggins read on the door, after all.”

Drogo raised his hand, and Primula slapped her own against it. Frodo laughed from his mother's lap, and Fili couldn't help but let his mouth hang open in amazement. Had he just witnessed two grown-ups high-five?

”No, your sight has not failed you”, Drogo said with a smile.

Primula gave a kiss on her husband's cheek. ”We really just are this cool.”

Fili rolled his eyes. He had run from his family, and found one just as weird.

And when he looked at Primula, Drogo and Frodo, Fili realized it was the time to go home.


	7. Chapter 7

Fili hadn't told about his return to a single family member, and he had made Primula to promise not to tell Bilbo either. And still, when he reached his home address, a familiar figure was sitting on the front steps, waiting.

”I just had a feeling you might come home today”, Kili said with a smile, before standing up to hug his brother. ”But then again, I had the same feeling couple of weeks ago, and you didn't come then. So maybe this was just a coincidence.”

”I have pictures for you”, Fili found himself saying. ”So many of them. To help you decide where you want to go together next year.”

”Together?” Kili squeezed his brother with a laugh, even though tears were running on his face. Fili could feel his own eyes getting wet too. ”We are not going anywhere together. Next time it's my turn to leave and leave you all home to worry about me.”

Fili couldn't help laughing, not even when crying made his laughter sound like he was drowning. ”Like you could live a week without Tauriel.”

”Or you”, Kili said quietly, resting his head on Fili's shoulder. ”I missed you.”

 

Fili was quiet for a moment, and then pressed his little brother even closer, burying his face into the dark hair. ”I missed you too.”

As he breathed in the smell of Kili's hair, Fili knew he had come home. And he even got just the right amount of oxygen.


End file.
